Holding on

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We are holding on to the thought that they need us that’s what we want to think we want to protect them, we want to make sure there safe. We want everything a good dad would want for their child. We don’t care about the past, and what happened. We care that we have a child, we care that we was thought about. We seek their approval we are seeking what they want because we want to provide that for them.

We could never provide in the beginning, and now we want to give. We want to become part of them we want them to feel safe, we want them to feel like we are there for them whenever they want us. The overwhelming feelings that everything you never saw. The first time riding a bike, first haircut, the first time they hurt there selves and cried out for help. The tart lemon you give your kids when you want to see their face pucker up. All of those things are memories that we don’t share but your just waiting for them to ask for your help. You want to provide anything you can.

Maybe some day it will come but the feeling is very powerful and how it makes you react to things. I can just say take precautions maybe that’s what they fear.

We just want to hold your hand and say we are here.

Starting each week

I have to write this as a before and after since she’s stepped back I have two feelings involved. In the beginning when we met and was connecting it was awesome to start each morning even being up late chatting with her all hours of the night. It was like I had finally felt like I had met the person that had so many answers for me. The years wondering where she was what she was doing all of it was just amazing to hear.

Waking up each morning anticipating her messages of happiness and curiosity in her questions and just things like how was my day going etc. all of it was surreal.

Now fast foreword to now and nothing no nice greeting in the morning no good night sleep well messages only one maybe two messages. This weekend it was 1. Hot outside 2. Had fun getting dinner now. And that was it no messages afterwards or since and that was on Saturday the day we had planned on going to an event. Sunday Mother’s Day came and of course it had to be a difficult day for her as well. Knowing her birthmother was also in the picture now. They didn’t connect as much and I’m not sure how that relationship is evolving it’s hard for me to talk to the birthmother, without it being somewhat painful.

So how do I start the week now. How do I focus on what’s important with the fear I’ve lost my daughter once again. Sure there is hope she’s made an effort to message. I’ve asked her bluntly because she’s the same way on that. But I asked her how will you know I’m alright. Her reply was that’s why I’m not cutting you out of communication.

She has she has taken me out of conversation and only keeps minimum message that doesn’t ask for a reply or a comment. Only a text that offers no answer or reason but more a message that tells me she’s there. That may be the hardest thing is not being able to tell her or plea your case, I want to tell her so much and explain that I’m trying so hard to become someone that has a foundation. ? Is that the word I don’t know I’m still searching for answers.

So to get thru the week I have to accept my fear each morning and focus on myself in this time we are apart. Work work work keep your mind occupied on everyday things in your life. When you start to feel like your not being heard then listen.

The Titantic

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Why is it you watch movies and see the happy endings even titanic has a happy ending. Are we programmed to only see what the good things are and revel in the joy of only happiness. How many families was affected in the tragedy. But the idea that in all tragedy there is a silver lining something to cling to. Something to make it feel better.

There with you. Dreams that was lost are given to you as a remembrance of them. But those are events where the loved ones are gone are not there in the present. In my story I would account my self as in a life raft floating further away from help and surviving. I have hope I’m afloat but I have no way to navigate. All I have are the stars above to guide me. Those stars in my story are my thoughts they are what give me options to hold onto. There reasons I can move on they hurt they feel good sometimes they are what are guiding me.

Today I was not wanting to write I did not want to again let my emotions take over. After trying so hard today not to seek something to see a reply a message a smile emoji. Social media the future the complete world at Your fingertips the first place I saw my daughter. Her smile and her dreams on a page.

So my reason for title Titanic is that you feel complete helplessness as you just watch yourself sink. I’m searching I’m working at this I want you to know that, it’s HARD  it’s difficult but we can’t give up. We have to keep faith and you have to believe in yourself. Don’t give up.

this is your child this is a part of you they will never forget but keep your faith and that the hard times have just begun. Time to really test your patience.

Have I reached the end ?

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So the search continues. With a chuckle now I am learning that nothing is easy regardless of if I find help or not it’s a matter of patience and time. In retrospect I look back on things in my life that was challenging. I had an older brother who was killed while filling his truck with gas, I learned over time how to accept and process that feeling.

In my search for answers or the support I guess it is I’m looking for. There is only been a few things that have stuck in my mind, that for one thing birthfathers are always being put in a situation there trying to fight for their child and have them in their life, when they are left out of the decision. Or we are defending our choices and mistakes we have made in our lives. Are we not entitled to make mistakes. Are we better off not being in there lives?

How many times do you see the story’s about a Birthfather and their heart felt love for their child.

We feel judged before we have a chance to understand. In my story I am just trying to process the information as best I can and, we can joke and say men have a smaller brain about many things but I know as a son my father was always someone I could depend on and still is a stubborn man and very hard to be weak in front of him showing that I’m hurting, almost shame that I didn’t become a better son.

So who do we turn to ? Speak up fathers I have come to this point in my search where it seems like the book has ended, the happy reunion and then the stepping back and then the word patience. Is that now my eternity of hopeful thinking and the faith that I will once again be able to wake up and know I will say hello to her.

Music. So for me I’ve seen it posted on the one out of three I found who are a BIRTHFATHER and it is so true and heart warming. I cannot hear it without having some emotion attached to my daughter.
http://youtu.be/O1-4u9W-bns

Disposable fathers

today Mother’s Day a day which was so nice for me to have my mom visit and to just be near. But all day has been a struggle to make it through it. I realized that I have been shut off from her, she’s made contact yes but as minimal as possible. Hello hope you’re doing well. Or the weather is hot, all good but still so much disappointment in myself and how she feels about me now.

Harder to think about is the birthmother today. She also must be having a very difficult time right now. But I cannot completely say that I’m hurting as much for her then I am for my daughter. Since she is already had a hard time connecting with her. So now both of us have been cut off and she’s anxiety free of us now. Which for her that is so much relief I’m sure. Having issues with anxiety and other things maybe that’s all she needed was to know who we was so she could understand herself better.

Now she knows, she can move on. I’m sure she means me no pain or no problems but to have someone find you after waiting for so long and then to be told your unstable your problems are too much for me. That hurts and now I know how she felt when she was growing up about being abandoned. Which I hate the word I won’t use it much but it is so much pain involved with that statement.

I never Abandoned her in my mind I never went or go a day without thinking of her. But to be thought about like DISPOSABLE FATHER. I had started another search today for birthfathers I ran across a blog. https://shaner38.blogspot.com/2012/05/disposable-fatherhood.html?showComment=1462741644462#c3099945391251028318

He has a post on there that said disposable father and that’s how I feel like. I hope and really anticipate a response from him. That just gives me hope that another BIRTHFATHER is having troubles or that they may help me better to understand.

the phrase disposable birthfather is just so much anger involved with the phrase. But so true. Fathers are pushed away from the kids lives etc. I just read and read things involving birthfathers and see the same things in the stories that fathers are trouble.

is it true have I become more trouble then what I’m worth has she realized now that having me in her life is just asking for her emotions to come back. All the years she had to prep for our re connection, was that to be it ?

Over the years of her therapy was that to erase us and get over us therapy. Now she’s accomplished her biggest Investment in life was to find her birth parents and leave. Her family is awesome they love her they cherish her they protect her and most of all they are there for her. So is that it I’m now to just be who I was before and just say Ok well I have a daughter.

I’m told it’s better not to think about things so much. I’m the type of person who thinks a lot. So this is becoming more difficult on days and only moments are good during the day. When in the beginning my days was filled with overwhelming joy and happiness. Now I’m to having days of sorrow and moments of good.

This is so hard.