Finding the right support, somewhat like a sponsor you could say. I won’t lie it’s very difficult to adjust to everything and understanding even the basic things can be difficult. You may find that some support groups or online support groups may not answer your questions in difficult times. So keeping that in mind, the positive things are the contact may have become less but the history as some say has begun.
Now again, patience and letting them come to you when they are ready. Finding the help and support you need for the times that seem to become most difficult for you. They have the support they need already keep in mind they are more prepared for this.
Now to work on the help we need to adjust to everything and begin to learn what it is that both need for a healthy relationship of trust and understanding.
My process is only beginning in the next part of this. The years of waiting and wondering are now over. The hard part now is learning how to become the person that they can have trust in. Or begin to build on a relationship. It’s a slow process and can become very difficult without help.
I’ve been told that I was not in a position to give advice. I’m not giving advice, I’m only going thru this so that you have something. With such little information out here for us to read and what there is I just believe that this can be helpful in someway.
For myself I find this helpful to myself. Each one of our stories will have their own hurdles but these are mine that I will share. In hopes that it is beneficial to someone.
The only advice I give is it takes time and patience.
Up moments and down moments the constant up and down can test your belief. Some downs are harder to get up from than others, but keep one thing in mind that moments are what will get you over your next down. Those moments that made you appreciate the next day to come. Take those moments and believe that time will begin to become normal for you.
Time and patience, being an impatient person myself it’s a struggle some days to overcome. But patience is what is needed most of all, I’ve found it difficult to not want to still hold onto that communication we shared. Finding myself looking back I remind myself there is only ahead now and no back. So thinking about the moments are what helps me manage, those shared moments of happiness. Having more time to reflect on those moments and know that those are the moments that are remembered.
And remember to breath and slow down *Note to self
There still understanding themselves as well as we are. Also remember that they are more prepared for this then we are, so if there needing that space then they may see something that we don’t.
I have been working on myself last few days, confronting some obstacles that I have been trying to overcome in my life. So to balance my emotions and to stay focused on those issues I may have to keep my thoughts separated as well.
Remember that we are still a part of them and that will not change. Each of us will have obstacles and down moments but what is important is that they are able to now take this information and begin to put their life in order.
We are trying the best we can, we love them we care about them. Hold onto the moments and time that you have shared in the reconnection and now time is in control.
This seems to be a reoccurring topic, but needs to be mentioned often it seems. I may go off a bit in other directions. More tonight of just the lack of information out there.
Be prepared. Be ready for difficult times. Read up on things learn about adoption and look from all sides. Understanding all sides had been really beneficial for me. To see all the parties involved as equal. Allow for them to take the new information and now become the person they have now found. They have the new pieces to finally build their new life. They know their heritage, they are processing the new information and now patience and time. Your also having to now fit into your puzzle, the new piece By removing the ones that cause you the most anxiety. Having to learn that you’re a part of someone’s puzzle now.
When we have to build our own puzzle not having any type of reference we can get lost in all this information. The information out there being so little to start with becomes pretty upsetting. Some may just find it hard to find. I’m capable of doing searches and try to look for appropriate material to read but always have to re word it or look at another view of it. Sine it’s mainly “first mothers” but the more topics the better understanding.
So by speaking out to others this will, hopefully not make you become frustrated with reading my issues with finding help. But hope in beginning to help out each other and speak up. We can’t all be bad.
So with each hurdle we face we can start to have a guide of some sort, that as fathers we understand. “Give a man tools to fix something” since we are put in the same category of men understanding analogy.
it has almost became a crusade to me to reach out to as many places as possible. I’ve been sending out emails just to see if I would get a response. There are places that will assist you. But If there are so few then maybe, it’s that no one will search. Or at be they prefer not to admit to their past. Regardless the search for me continues.
I still believe that the most important thing is having patience. Allowing them to decide the fate of the relationship will become a very difficult hurdle. But allowing them to also understand all the new pieces now is important.
So take those moments in the day to just reflect on the positive and allow things to progress as they will. You are still a part of them and they are a part of you. You ended up reading this so your also searching that’s part of it. Learning as much as we can letting them know that we do love them as well and that we haven’t given up.
To end on a up note, the first draft of a possible chapter in a book on adoption came in. It is nice to know that this may also help reach out to more of us. So keep working on that patience and we can have some comfort that we are making an effort.
I am in no way qualified to understand emotions but my own. Understanding this process in my short amount of time. I’ve discovered that the emotions from all sides can be different even surprising at times. Unexpected things will come up that you may not be prepared for. This is when everyone is tested understanding that these come up will help in some way but each circumstance will differ.
I’ve been in contact with another Birthfather with a son his emotions differ in some ways but the thing we have in common is we are facing these things and want to understand we want to understand and work at this and not give up. We do this because we love our child and want them to have what it is they are seeking. Is it not possible to think that their biggest question in life is their quest to find out.
“DO NOT OPEN” “THIS CONTAINS YOUR IDENTITY” labels on a box. All there answers in a box that they cannot open unless we give them that chance.
As birth parents have only an open box not saying anything just open with possibilities. It’s as important to the birth parents because of the missing piece of our lives as well. We are just as curious and filled with wondering over the years. Some it may be something they don’t want to face, a part in there lives they want to forget. For those I’m more than sad I’m heart-broken that they choose to keep living the memory and focus on a life that was to become.
As birthparents it’s also our responsibility to understand our places within the circle. When we should understand when they need their time and be able to process it in their own speed. I think it’s beneficial for both parents to seek groups and discuss it, keep open conversation on these topics to understand the process better and this is for all involved. If we all can work together and help everyone involved.
I struggle daily in my story with this. But I won’t give up on this and I am working hard everyday to keep my emotions in check, difficult YES!!!! It’s unbearable at times. But for it to work we have to understand all parts. We are merging into a extended family and family is what is important. It may not be typical but that is why as “parents” / “birth parents” we need to open communication help each other. I would of course like to see more birth fathers come out and speak up more.
Understanding what the questions and answers are to giving them the identity they may be searching for. Having the patience and letting them control the pace. Understanding that they have now opened the box, they are now looking and learning. For some it may come easier and for some it may take a little longer. For us to understand it we have to prepare for some tough nights of feeling at complete lose of what to do.
For me writing a blog seems to be helping. But also frustrating that it is not more evolved in the help to include the birthfathers point of view. This helps me knowing that if your reading this then your also trying, so let’s not give up. And understand
We start our journey in some cases never knowing of the pregnancy until after birth or some never. With only the birthmothers approval or consent would we ever know. She has that knowledge we are not aware we don’t get to feel birth we are there to support them while pregnant that’s our responsibility. As fathers your responsible for the life you created. When this is taken away from the start we are blindfolded from that point on. We are left out of those months of feeling compassion and joy that we created something. Some may have that chance and just not ready to face those trials. But jump foreword when they are adults and ask who there father is. Do you as a birthmother hold onto the grudge or disagreements because of how you feel. Is it your choice to make your child’s mind up before they even meet.
Choice they never had a choice. They didn’t say ok to giving them up. They didn’t have a voice than and to keep a father out of a choice is unfair for the child. If they have questions, have answers that are open for them to make their own decision. Based on there communication. (Is it possible for a birthfather to have communication thru letters? given to them of age of discovery)
I had to direct that to birthmothers the research is just so one-sided. In the stories I see I don’t see a comment or a message from the birthfathers, how would there story differ from the birthmothers side. Do birthfathers not have the right too make there defense. Is it game set match one chance and it’s finished. ? All stories have a second side to them if it involves two people. Who gets to decide who was right or wrong. Let the child decide.
I guess I could be called lucky, since me and the birthmother kept in contact for her. We hoped she would find us. The birthmother and myself we talked on her birthday every year we never had forgotten her and moved on with our lives we lived our lives knowing we had a child who may need help one day.
But for the mothers who just hold onto a grudge or a disagreement is so un thinkable. I’m not sure how old you may have been when you decided to give up your child but imagine 20 – 30 years from now and what will you hold onto when your child finds you and ask where is my father. Do you reply with he’s a deadbeat don’t look for him.
Consider what it will mean to your child. Don’t keep the fathers blindfolded
More searches I find this looks dated and empty. Just shaking my head. Ridiculous really am I the only birthfather who has been this demoralized on what you see. ? Are you silenced because you showing emotion is wrong. Ridiculous is all I can say. And look Father’s Day will be coming up sooner then I hope and I can say this year will be a very big day for me more then all the other depressing fathers days going by when I can’t feel like a father. But just another disappointing day of hoping.
Father’s Day is this weekend in many places and–as we did in 2009 and 2012–I thought we spend a roundtable focusing on dads. As always, feel free to adapt the prompt to fit your …
Source: Roundtable #49: Your Father
Well tonight it took a down turn on statistics so to speak. Today was kind of a good day when I was messaged back by two that I had reached out to in my searches. One will add my blog to their site hooray…. Hoping maybe that will help. But I was also asked to possibly write something for a book a chapter. That’s inspiring to me to hear that but I’m not a writer. I’m a BIRTHFATHER who is searching for help. And to make people aware that all fathers are the same inside.
But the reason for statistics I was going to do some more research on birthfathers and looked up statistics for birthfathers just to see what would appear in the wonderful world of the web. And once again birthmother stats was more what came up. So frustrated once more I glanced thru more of the search pages and one caught my eye.
Reading it I saw no mention of BIRTHFATHER and the article was on BIRTHPARENTS how can you call it parents if you insist on leaving out the father. I just want to pull what hair I have left out!!!
Im struggling with what most people would think are basic things. But am I doing it right am I just not understanding. I try to be myself and it doesn’t work. I am trying to do my best that’s all I can do that’s all I have. I can’t evolve overnight and understand my roll or my label. Or understand what I’m supposed to feel.
Im told that it is there court there in control. It is I respect that and I will always respect that choice that they make. But as a BIRTHFATHER I just want to be heard. I want people to quit labeling us as deadbeats or disposable ERRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
we are not emotionless we are not all a bad person. We may have been then but do we hold on to that persons past or allow them to become better themselves overtime. Is it not possible that we are never to change who we were at a point in our lives we were lost and didn’t know nothing but to make sure our child would be safe.
Can we not be just a unknown statistic or unknown.